martes, 20 de enero de 2009

To Reborn

Couriously since 2009 has started I feel more secure, I feel like everything is in calm. I can appreciate the things that happens and sorround me more precisely… With “higher resolution”. My energies are balanced. I look and listen the people that interact with me like in slow camera, enjoying each gesture, facial expression, the look in their eyes, I catch accidentally their interior state. The old couple of women having a walk holding each other their arms. I can see myself in them, I identify with them and I try to imagine how I will feel when I get their age. This make me think that I´ve to fill my life with something that fill my soul, my heart…I like to think in the old age. At first time this scares me…but then I rectify and I tell to my self: “I´ve to be prepared. This must have some sense. Why we have to suffer. Why we have to get old.” I´m concern that the majority of the time I waste my time thinking in frivolous, superficial even silly things that distracted me like a butterfly that pass by. Although, in this concrete case, is beautiful to watch carefully the buterfflies, they have some magic in they splendorous wings movements. Can you imagine a gigant butterfly? Probably the body as its furry, shouldn´t be too atractive but…imagine their wings… colourfull, full of shameless spots brandishing with treachery movements.

I made myself a butterfly tatoo in 2004, in NYC, because I wanted to remember foreverer my newyorker experience. I was there for three months when I finished my degree in B.A. I worked as a waitress in a cafe serving breakfasts and lunchs at the 6th Ave. with 57 St. to business people and tourists housed at hotels located around there. I made some nice friends like Ivana, from Serbia, her story is like taken from a war movie because she grow up in her country during the war against Kosovo and its terrifying how she couldn´t enjoy any sweetness from the childhood. Living as a newyorker you could touch the loneliness of some people. It´s something really scared and I concluded and verify that anyone can be alone inside themself althought apparently look good related. The most dramatic think I´ve ever seen was there…I was walking on the street, and some meters in front of me layed a body on the sidewalk. First I thought it was somebody ill or that just have fall…but the body didn´t move. When I reached the body I discovered a young face, with the eyes still open and the head visually displaced from her neck. She was like a 25 year old girl. A sharp needle was stuck deep in my heart. I couldn´t breath. In one moment I understood that this young and beautiful girl had just jump off the building.

The butterfly for me expresses how I feel at the grey City, how I feel in the life indeed. I go out of myself to try to understand the meaning and the reason of the things that are hard to understand or maybe…just really we cannot understand and caused pain. I try to respect the mystery of the disease, the old age, the pain…I have to be brave and don´t flee from the sufferings that inevitably are with us during our life and around our lifes. The pain and difficulties allows us to reborn: to be more delicate, to love each little thing. Sufferings could make us deepen in what is really important. Even almost love the suffering or better…to transform the sufferings in to love people, things, the nature that is around us and the work, duties and responsabilties that we have.